A Precap of Zach Shallcross' Bachelor Season
Wonder Bread 2.0 is here and we're supposed to shut up and like it.
Hello! Happy New Year! We’re here, maybe barely, excitedly (?) anticipating Bachelor 27 to begin. This is the post where I make some predictions about these women based on their photos and the ~200 words ABC shares with us about who they are.
But first, I must ask, who wanted Zach as the Bachelor? Seriously, if you wanted him as the Bachelor comment on this post or tweet me your reasons, I’m all ears. Sure he was one of Rachel’s final three, and his uncle is Kronk from Emporer’s New Groove, but are these real reasons to make someone the lead? And now I’m supposed to believe he’s “Mr. Right Reasons” because a promo told me to?
Rodney was right there! The contestants of Paradise BAWLED when he decided to leave the beach. If anyone from production or casting is reading this and it isn’t clear where I stand: RODNEY WAS YOUR CHOICE.
Great, now that we’ve established that, let’s get back to Zach. Zach is a 26-year-old tech executive (for now) from Anaheim Hills, California. Besides his famous uncle, his parents have been married for 30 years, and for that reason, and that reason only, he wants a marriage just like theirs. I wish contestants would get more creative than trying to emulate their parent’s marriage just because they’ve seen them stay together for a few decades. I’d love for Zach to name just one thing that he likes about his parent’s union, then I’d believe he actually wants one that is similar.
Besides Zach’s low bar for his relationship, we’re likely in for a treat because he managed to get golden boy Sean Lowe to come out of “retirement” and co-sign this selection (if you’ve forgotten, Sean was so turned off by how the franchise treated Chris Harrison leaving, he—via his wife—announced he was done with the franchise—but money talks).
Anyway, let’s move on to the women.
The cast of women look stunning! Honestly, the women always do it better than the men. There’s an ok amount of racial diversity, a really great spread of geographic diversity, and only two 23-year-olds, which I consider a win. I’ve read through all the ABC bios, done some very light Instagram “research” and compiled my picks and thoughts on the women who stand out (to me) below.
As a reminder, I watch this series spoiler-free. This precap and all my recaps will be free of spoilers. I ask that you help me keep this community that way by refraining from putting spoilers in the comments.
My Picks for Zach
Anastasia
Anastasia seems pleasantly normal. She might be one of those girls that really wants you to know she’s Greek (you know the ones), but that’s not a crime and it’s better than say being a racist 🙃. She’s cute, from southern California like Zach, and looks like she has a dog Zach would love, so I’m gonna say it’s a match!
Bailey
I don’t remember what Zach’s ABC bio said, but if I had to guess, it was something very similar to Bailey’s. She has a dog, and she loves adventure, generic things Zach would likely say about himself too. Seems like they’d be a good fit.
Gabi
Zach and Gabi both dream of mimicking the love their parents have. How sweet 🙄. I predict they’ll bond over this and it will lead to Zach taking her further than he likely should.
Genevie
Zach is going to be taken away by Genevie, that’s my prediction. She’s gorgeous, driven, has a great job, and is on a mission. Rachel was those things as well and I think that is part of what he was attracted to in her. However, I could also see her drive and passion for her career being something that makes it hard for them to work long-term, especially since Zach is in Cali and Genevie is in Maryland.
Sonia
Sonia sounds a little basic and Zach is a little basic, so maybe it’ll be a perfect match! 🙂
Green Flags
Brooklyn
Every season there are a few women who are clearly too good for this show and just wanted a break from their real lives (which I support). Brooklyn is one of those women. She has dreams of being a horse barrel racer (whatever that is) and went to school for animal science. Currently, she’s a lab designer for an oral surgery practice. Babygirl has a good degree, a passion project, and a good job, she don’t care if Zach is the one, she just wants to travel. Rooting for you, Brooklyn!
Genevie
Similar to Brooklyn, I think Genevie is too good for this show and might just be taking a break from her career as a neonatal nurse to see if Zach could be a match.
Red Flags
Ariel
Anytime a Bachelor bio describes a contestant as “unapologetically themselves” it’s usually not a positive thing (remember queen Victoria). Unfortunately, I think Ariel might be giving villain this season. We’ll see.
Charity
Charity looks unsure of her decision to be on this show in her ABC headshot and is a Disney adult, nuff said.
Holland
Holland uses the word “yachting,” is from Florida, and is now a contestant on her favorite show, The Bachelor. She knows how this game works and for our sake, I hope she plays it well.
Predictions
Zach’s relationship status is…complicated. He made a super weird first post back online after his season finished filming. It was giving single, but hopeful, which at the time led me to believe he hadn’t quite given out his final rose yet. Or that he got turned down and went after someone else. Again, I watch spoiler-free, so these are just guesses, but read this post and tell me what you think.
Similar to Colton’s season, more than a few women will self-eliminate. There was such an emphasis on Zach’s women “knowing what they want,” and a few of them even ended long-term relationships because their partners weren’t ready for more. So why wouldn’t they approach the show/Zach with take the same attitude?
Despite production efforts, viewership will not go up this season. They picked another underwhelming white boy, they got America’s favorite Bachelor, Sean Lowe to cosign him, they’ve trotted Zach out at an NHL hockey game (wtf?) and invited Latto to a group date this season, but none of this will be enough. I know social media is often just an echo chamber of our own beliefs, but people really did not want this man as the Bachelor. And it’s not him specifically, it’s that we don’t know him, what music does he like, where did he go to school, what does he do for a living?
Two Bachelorette seasons in 2021 plus a double Bacherloette season last year meant double the pool of men who could have been leads and fans have taken to many of them (Rick, Rodney, Nate, Aven). So why not choose one of them instead? Take a real risk?
It is not a coincidence that former Black contestants keep distancing themselves from this show. Natasha Parker recently announced she’s stepping down as the host of Click Bait and distancing herself from the franchise, my favorite recappers Natasha and Justine of Two Black Girls, One Rose aren’t recapping Zach’s season because of the lack of progress within the franchise, and though I love snarking on these people each week, it gets frustrating to know that the contestants who look like me will have similar fates season after season.
I say all that to say, I’m going into this season cautiously optimistic, but I also don’t think a season of abysmal ratings would be the worst thing. Take the show to streaming, get a bit more raunchy, and platform your contestants (i.e. tag them on social), then maybe this franchise will have a chance to 1) reach more people and 2) get innovative.
That’s it for now. Tell me who you've got your eye on in the comments and I’ll be back on January 24 to recap the premiere!