Death to the Forced Proposal: Bachelorette(s) 19, Episode 11
We also need to talk about Erich’s blackface photo.
Before we get into last night’s episode, we have to talk about the Erich of it all. If you’re not as entrenched in Bachelor Nation news as I am, you may have missed some news towards the end of last week. Bachelor Reddit got ahold of Erich’s old yearbook in which he is shown in blackface next to a quote about his “swell” depiction of Jimi Hendrix.
At this point, Erich has apologized (with a black square no less, lmao) while the franchise and Gabby, who I assume chooses him have remained silent. My hope is that we will see it addressed next week during the live portion of the finale, but who knows?
I have no interest in putting into context when and where Erich’s blackface took place. I’m a Black woman in America who at every age has been told to calm down, not get so offended, or that it was such a different time in the face of blatantly racist acts. Enough. Not using racial slurs or participating in blackface is basic how not to be racist 101.
I too grew up in a red state, went to a predominately white high school, and was on my school’s yearbook staff. In fact, I was one of the only Black women on staff and I vividly remember having awkward conversations about whether or not to publish some egregious shit in our school’s yearbook and newspaper. I’m the same age as Erich, we graduated from high school the same year, in similar school systems, yet my peers and teachers had enough common sense not to publish a photo like that in any of our publications.
It’s really easy to point fingers at Erich’s parents, teachers, the yearbook staff, and even Bachelor production for somehow missing this (recent contestants have alluded to there being a person on staff that does their best to scrub contestants’ digital footprint before they begin filming). And they’re likely all to blame in some way, but at the end of the day, Erich was grown enough to drive a car, and vote in an election, so he was grown enough to understand right from wrong.
But I’m actually not here to shit on Erich, I am here to shit on production, Mike Fleiss, Warner Brothers, and ABC. At this point, there has been a contestant accused of some sort of racist act almost every season since Rachel Lindsay’s. It is systemic and it must stop.
I get it. This is reality TV, not hard-hitting news, but when it comes to addressing their culture of consistently casting people with racist skeletons in their closets, I expect more from a franchise with millions of dollars at their disposal. Yet at the same time, I know from my own experience no amount of diverse casting, production or equity consultants will fix the culture of white supremacy. It’s not a coincidence that every lead of color (except Michelle) has separated themselves from the franchise completely. The problem is systemic and deep-rooted.
So what’s the solution? I’m not sure. Acknowledging the mistakes seems like a great first step, letting their contestants speak more freely about their mistakes would also be a good move. Beyond that, I’d love to see this franchise bought out, by Netflix, HBO, or some other streaming service not connected to cable TV. Pretty much every streaming service has shown they can do reality romance better than what ABC/WB is currently doing (FBoy Island, Love is Blind, Dating Around, etc.).
Rachel and Zach, Take Two
We start in the studio with a live studio audience and a sit down with Rachel and Gabby who are looking incredible. They say all the basic pleasantries we’ve come to expect from these finales before taking us back to Rachel and Zach’s rose ceremony conversation.
Zach says he felt like their fantasy suite went off the rails. He felt like the Rachel he was speaking to that night was the Bachelorette version, not who she really is. This is a wild statement because all Zach knows is Rachel as the Bachelorette. For the most part, Rachel validates what he experienced and admits something was missing and she was trying to zero in on what that was. It sounds like that came in the form of her pressing Zach about his age, but it likely wasn’t about that at all.
After hearing Rachel admit that she couldn’t get there, Zach decides to leave, but not before making it clear that he loved her and saw a future with her, insinuating that he no longer felt that way just 24ish hours later. We get Zach's exit car ride, which I don’t think we’ve seen since Hayden was escorted out. I kind of missed the car breakdowns.
Rachel seems completely at peace with her decision, so we can guess that she was going to send Zach home anyway. She returns to the rose podium and gives Tino and Aven each a rose.
In the live studio portions, Rachel looked incredibly uncomfortable. Zach with a tan is lowkey doing it for me. Both parties apologize, Rachel apologizes for switching it up on him and making Zach feel like her feelings weren’t genuine and Zach apologized for questioning her character as that wasn’t his intention.
I have to note their body language during this live portion, they were facing one another and looking each other in the eyes and it felt like a legit adult conversation. They both validated how the other person was feeling, they explained the headspace they were each in at the time and wished happiness for one another.
Jesse kept asking questions to stir the pot, but neither of them really took the bait. Towards the end of the segment, it did seem too overly nice and vague, but I’m fine with that. Zach was regular, and Rachel wanted something different. It didn’t work out. That’s enough for me. I’m ok with us not knowing the details of the fantasy suite conversations that caused the rift becuase knowing the exact details would defeat the purpose of the camera free time.
Aven Meets The Family
Rachel’s parents and her two best friends are in Mexico to meet her final two. They’re meeting Aven first and she really talks him up. She says she trusts him instinctively and that they’ve talked about the future and they’re on the same page as far as engagement and kids. Rachel essentially asks her family to help her decipher between the two because she’s ‘so conflicted.’
I’m not gonna lie, when the white girls bring a Black man to meet the family, I always look at the dad’s face first. Big Tony sized him up a bit, but Aven looks comfortable sitting and talking with everyone, so that’s something.
Aven and Tony chat and Tony says “This is my daughter, my pride and joy and no one is going to take her away from me without a fight,” this is a weird thing to say. Cut the umbilical cord big T. Aven talks about their shared values and the sense of humor they share, he feels like she’s the full package and he’s falling in love with her.
Rachel’s mom immediately says she likes him and he seems confident. Rachel again says she trusts him, which is huge. She keeps saying how great he is, but something is clearly off. The heart wants what it wants, and Rachel’s heart seems like it wants Tino more, even though he sucks.
I like that Rachel’s friends got to get in on the action. The bulk of their conversation with Aven was focused on if he was ready for an engagement which is annoying. Aven says he’s sure he wants a life with Rachel, but he needs more time to be sure about an engagement. Nate tells Aven that Rachel’s intention is to leave the process engaged and him not being ready or willing to propose could be a deal breaker. Nate also called Aven not being ready to propose a red flag, which is bullshit. I won’t beat a dead horse, y’all know I feel like the “required” engagement is bullshit. In the last 5ish years, only two leads are still with their final choice from the show, Matt James and Clayton Echard, both of whom did not end up proposing to end their season.
Rachel spends time speaking with her friends and they look like they’re about to shatter her dreams. They say Aven is the final choice on paper, but his hesitancy about an engagement at the end of the process felt wrong. Rachel’s girlfriend reminds her that he’s being logical about engagement, but knowing what Rachel wants, she understands why Aven not being ready might give her pause. Rachel is frustrated because it’s the first she’s heard about Aven’s doubts about getting engaged.
Not being ready to get engaged in five days when another man is still vying for the same woman as you is not a red flag. It’s common sense.
Rachel confronts Aven after meeting the family. He says he wants to make sure it’s right for both of them. Rachel pushes and says that what she wants is to be engaged and no matter how much Aven uses logic, she’s not really having it. I’m sure it was hard for Rachel to hear that Aven might not be 100 percent ready from her friends; especially after feeling like she and he discussed something different.
My question throughout this back and forth: why does it matter? Rachel didn’t say she wanted to be engaged to Aven at the end of this, she said she wanted to be engaged. Those are not the same thing. Furthermore, Rachel never said to us why she wanted to get engaged at the end of the process, she just kept repeating that it is what she wants. At this moment, her choices/wants feel more like what she feels like she has to do as the Bachelorette and less about what she wants to do as Rachel Recchia.
I felt like Aven was really listening, but she wasn’t hearing him out. I didn’t like that she was minimizing how big of a decision Aven was about to make. Aven kept shifting the focus to them as a unit, and Rachel kept focusing on her feelings and wants. Rachel says she feels lied to and blindsided in her interview with producers, but we ain’t see Aven say he was ready to get engaged at the end of this so 🤷🏾♀️.
Listen, I too have been a girlfriend forcing a proposal to happen on my timeline and it just doesn’t end well. It’s always better when both parties are on the same page and able to take that next step confidently together.
Gabby, Erich, and Grandpa John
Gabby’s family has arrived in Mexico. She tells them they’re meeting Erich and Grandpa John calls him a dick I think, it was bleeped out. It was a joke and a callback to the date they had at the beginning of the season. She tells her family she loves Erich and they’re excited to meet him.
Gabby and her grandpa speak first. He says Erich is a solid guy and reminds her how she feels about him is more important than what the family will say. He also leaves her with some parting advice “it has to be 90/90, not 50/50.” Well said.
Erich sits with Gabby’s dad and stepmom (?) and I loved the last thing that her stepmom said, she told Erich that Gabby likely needs someone to validate that she’s worthy of being loved. A good summation of what I feel we’ve seen from Gabby this season, especially during her insecure moments.
I love the conversation Gabby had with her aunt. Encouraging Gabby to be herself and be vulnerable was really sweet. She reminded Gabby that she deserves the love she’s seeking and that the love she received (or didn’t receive) in childhood is not her fault.
Gabby has alluded to being afraid of losing Erich and it makes me sad for her. To see how much the lack of love from her mom affects her today is hard to watch. Through my own therapy, I’ve learned our parents, mothers especially (who are often put in the caregiving role), are our blueprint for how to love, act, show, and share emotion. Gabby clearly did not get what she needed growing up and she seems worried that no relationship will give her all she wants, needs, and dreams of. I’m doing a lot of psycho-analyzing, but that’s my sense. Assuming they’re together, I can’t help, but wonder if the events of last week with Erich gave her similar feelings as what we saw last night.
Tino Meets The Family
Rachel is still shook by her and Aven’s conversation. She tells her family she isn’t in the best mood and is worried about what could go wrong. Rachel shares that Tino got her first impression rose because they connected so instantly. But she also shares that Tino’s family doesn’t like her. What a cloud to put over the visit Rachel, damn.
Tino is hoping his visit with the family goes better than the visit with his parents did. He is noticeably nervous and uncomfortable in a way that Aven wasn’t. When Tino and Rachel’s mom go talk, Tino seems standoffish, he’s giving one-word answers.
Big T is asking Rachel whether her career is compatible with his. Being a contractor could take him out of state, or even the country for months at a time and Rachel doesn’t have the type of job that would allow her to work remotely, so they need to consider that. Good point, Tony.
Tino and Tony talk about his awkward hometown and how they might manage each of their career needs. At the end of the conversation, Tino says he’s in love with Rachel, and no matter how hard life gets he wants to share those burdens with her. This seems to be enough for Tony. Pretty anticlimactic meeting.
One Last Shot
Rachel and Aven are meeting up for their last date. We find out Fantasy Suites is where Aven said he was ready for an engagement with Rachel. She meets Aven in his room and things are noticeably awkward and tense. He apologizes for making her cry and says the next step in this process is important because he cares about her. He feels it’s important for them to experience one another’s lives before taking a step as big as engagement.
Rachel is sticking to her story of feeling blindsided and lied to. She said she sang his praises to her family before bringing him in and she feels stupid that he went back on his word. I was surprised by how much Rachel was crying over this situation, I would’ve sworn it was Tino for her at the end (and it likely will be) but her tears are what you’d give a man that could be the love of your life.
She says she isn’t willing to compromise what she wants from this process in order to leave with Aven. In other words, a proposal at the end of this fairytale ass TV show is more important than a life with the man she’s bawling over. How fucking dumb.
This is the moment Rachel officially lost me. Maybe Aven was bullshitting and never had intentions of proposing to her, in which case, I guess I understand not being willing to risk that, but what the fuck sis? You’re ready for a marriage making bullshit ultimatums like this after knowing someone for two months? Sure.
I didn’t like seeing Rachel so upset at the beginning of this journey, that felt like production’s fault, but this implosion feels like all Rachel’s doing. Rachel fell victim to the same thought pattern so many of these leads do, she forgot that this process only works in the end if both people involved are heard and choose one another. It’s her journey, she is the lead and the final choice is hers, but none of that matters if the final guy doesn’t choose her back. Aven looked her in the eye and told her he wanted her, but wouldn’t be rushed into a proposal and she said ‘fuck that’ likely becuase of how it would look to end this process unengaged. Girl, I guess.
And let me be clear, I could understand walking away from a guy after dating for some time and still not getting the proposal you’d both been discussing. But after this two-second process? Nah.
Aven and Rachel meet live in the studio and Aven looks finer than he did on the show. He apologizes for blindsiding her, but I still refuse to accept that that’s what happened. Jesse asks if there was anything Aven could have done to change the outcome and she says no. Both of them were being true to their needs at the moment. Aven said he didn’t fully understand what she needed and I agree. This is the one thing he could have done better. He never tried to understand why it was so important that she got engaged at the end of this process versus a year from now. Maybe her answer would have changed something for him. Probably not though.
After processing his Fantasy Suite, Aven realized he needed more time. Unfortunately, he shared that with Rachel’s family before he shared that with her. He didn’t want to lie to her family though and I respect that. This does give me more questions about the process. After Fantasy Suites, why can’t contestants pull the lead aside again before making a decision as big as an engagement? Aven made it sound like not having time to speak with Rachel before meeting her family is what lead to the blindsiding moment Rachel spoke about. Assuming that’s true, I can’t help, but wonder why an hour-long conversation couldn’t be set up. We’ll probably never know.
Gabby’s Final Date
It’s wild to watch this without any mention of Erich’s blackface photo. Hopefully, they’ll address it next week, but it’s weird to me that they’d want to cloud a happy moment (assuming they’re engaged) with having to address that photo all in the same night. Why not break it up?
Gabby and Erich are talking about how surprising the journey has been for both of them. Erich says he loves Gabby and wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but that he doesn’t want to rush things because that wouldn’t be natural to them. In her ITM Gabby says she wants a proposal from him at the end of this, but more than anything wants honesty.
I’m still surprised Gabby wants to leave engaged. We didn’t really hear her talk about this until last week, it didn’t come up much during hometowns, so it’s weird for it to come up now. I know this is how the show goes, but we usually see the lead talking about getting engaged before the final few episodes.
Erich says he wants to date Gabby in the real world and she gets upset and walks away. This was a little weird because it seemed like she was fighting with production and upset with him at the same time. It’s like production was in one ear reminding her of the process, and Erich was in the other ear telling her everything she wanted to hear, except the engagement part.
We’re left on a cliffhanger and given a preview of next week’s episode. We now know Rachel is arguing with Tino in the finale and it looks like Gabby leaves the decision to propose up to Erich. Based on Rachel and Gabby’s body language during the final live portion with Jesse, I have some guesses of how this might end. Gabby seemed happy, maybe it was the Dancing With The Stars news, but she was glowing. Meanwhile, Rachel looked somber and sad. We’ll see what’s what in the most *shocking* Bachelorette finale we’ve ever seen, next week 😉.